Quackery
Fiction

The Sick Disgusting Origin of Thånkës-Giving

funny-thanksgiving-wallpaperMost Americans probably associate the traditional Holiday of Thanksgiving with Pepin the Short and the signing of the Treaty of Aquitaine in 768. However, the truth is eminently more complex.

According to Chaldean tradition, the source of Thanksgiving goes back to the valley of Esgharlada, before the time of Mög. However, recent findings suggest that core concepts predate the Antidotic Era just before the advent of Placenta.

To confirm this, I spoke with several friends of people I know from “adult research” sites I’ve frequented in the past. None of them knew anything related to what I was asking, though they did confirm it was snowing where they currently live.

What this tells me is that Thanksgiving most likely originated from the Babylonian worship of the Turkey God, Morgobal, which involved the sacrifice of a million turkeys. And while this may be disputed, no one can deny the great harm this has presented to turkeys throughout the ancient world.

The practice was abolished during the first century BC by the Romans. Jesus, in fact, was arrested and executed primarily for his involvement in local turkey sacrifices to the Canaanite version of Morgobal (a fact that was once referenced in Matthew’s gospel before Constantine had all references and knowledge of turkey worship erased from history.

Many anonymous scholars now trace the outbreak of Black Death to the widely unknown turkey cults of the Middle Ages, where severed turkey heads were used as currency. Intact heads were worth five times as much as the sum of their contents. People were, in fact, paid with turkey heads and brain-related denominations. A beak was worth three skulls. The average worker earned approximately eight brains a month.

The Pilgrims came over from England in the 17th century to escape oppressive anti-turkey tyranny, as we all know from basic history. And after fighting off the murderous hordes of hostile natives out to steal their superior Pilgrim technology, Thanksgiving was officially celebrated. What makes the first American Thanksgiving noteworthy is, for the first time, turkeys were actually consumed after they were sacrificed to “God” (the Christian version of the Babylonian turkey god). And the rest, as it were, was history.

Thanks for reading!

** sources and references are listed on page 21

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About Quackzalcoatl

Phoneticist, Palindrologist, and freelance Sharknadologist. Inventor. Ruler of 2-acre lakes and small streams.

Discussion

10 thoughts on “The Sick Disgusting Origin of Thånkës-Giving

  1. This is very illuminating Quack. I was skeptical when I first read your essay, but when I heard that you have a consensus of support by many scholars who are published in Mad magazine, I dropped all my objections.

    Posted by Marc | 28 November, 2013, 7:27 pm
  2. I am sure Christian Scholars like NT Wright and EP Sanders covered this? Much of what Christian scholars write is gobbledygook. It certainly puts a new spin on the phrase “Let’s talk turkey”.

    Posted by Arkenaten | 29 November, 2013, 6:13 pm
  3. It appears that only Franklin was keen to this knowledge of the bird flu as he preferred the turkey over the eagle for the national bird. He knew very well it would not be consumed. The heartless Jefferson and Adams told him to go fly a kite. I am thankful for their prescient advice.

    Posted by kellsbellsfrompc | 16 December, 2013, 2:59 pm

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