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The Sick Disgusting Origin of Thånkës-Giving

funny-thanksgiving-wallpaperMost Americans probably associate the traditional Holiday of Thanksgiving with Pepin the Short and the signing of the Treaty of Aquitaine in 768. However, the truth is eminently more complex.

According to Chaldean tradition, the source of Thanksgiving goes back to the valley of Esgharlada, before the time of Mög. However, recent findings suggest that core concepts predate the Antidotic Era just before the advent of Placenta.

To confirm this, I spoke with several friends of people I know from “adult research” sites I’ve frequented in the past. None of them knew anything related to what I was asking, though they did confirm it was snowing where they currently live.

What this tells me is that Thanksgiving most likely originated from the Babylonian worship of the Turkey God, Morgobal, which involved the sacrifice of a million turkeys. And while this may be disputed, no one can deny the great harm this has presented to turkeys throughout the ancient world.

The practice was abolished during the first century BC by the Romans. Jesus, in fact, was arrested and executed primarily for his involvement in local turkey sacrifices to the Canaanite version of Morgobal (a fact that was once referenced in Matthew’s gospel before Constantine had all references and knowledge of turkey worship erased from history.

Many anonymous scholars now trace the outbreak of Black Death to the widely unknown turkey cults of the Middle Ages, where severed turkey heads were used as currency. Intact heads were worth five times as much as the sum of their contents. People were, in fact, paid with turkey heads and brain-related denominations. A beak was worth three skulls. The average worker earned approximately eight brains a month.

The Pilgrims came over from England in the 17th century to escape oppressive anti-turkey tyranny, as we all know from basic history. And after fighting off the murderous hordes of hostile natives out to steal their superior Pilgrim technology, Thanksgiving was officially celebrated. What makes the first American Thanksgiving noteworthy is, for the first time, turkeys were actually consumed after they were sacrificed to “God” (the Christian version of the Babylonian turkey god). And the rest, as it were, was history.

Thanks for reading!

** sources and references are listed on page 21

Adam Weren’t No Damn Dirty Ape!

creation_of_adam1How much do we know about ancient history, and how do we know it?

Those who studied history in school might remember a list of names and dates they once had to memorize — the names of emperors and rulers of nations and empires. The context of history has always been established through the studies of individuals, those whose power and influence shaped the world and times in which they lived.

Up through the 1850s, ancient history was clearly delineated from the first humans all the way to present. We knew exactly where we came from and who got us there, from a progression of patriarchs and rulers stretching nearly 6,000 years, as passed down to us by the Egyptians, Hebrews, Babylonians, Greeks, Romans, and Western cultures —  detailing the proliferation of the human race from Mesopotamia and the origin of the world’s various nation-states.

And then came Darwin. Within a period of fifty years, the history books completely dismissed everything passed down to us from the previous millenia, and the ancient chronologies were completely disregarded.

The question is, how much do we really know from the physical remains of the ancient past? Can archeology definitively invalidate the historicity of the Biblical records? Does anthropology really prove the human race dates back hundreds of thousands of years? The evidence, as it is presented, is irrefutable and absolute fact, that we began in the trees of ancient Africa over millions of years ago. We have the bones to prove it. We have precise scientific dating techniques. The findings are objective and beyond dispute, proving the mythological nature of Biblical narrative.

And yet… according to Gallup in 2012, almost half of all Americans believe Adam and Eve were real people and human history doesn’t go back beyond 10,000 years:

a plurality of Americans—46 percent, to be exact—believe that God made human beings just as they are today sometime in the last 10,000 years. That number is up from 40 percent in 2011 (which was down from 46 percent in 2006).

The number of people who believe God guided the process of evolution over millions of years fell from 38 percent to 32 percent in the last year; during the same period, the number of people who believe God is a lie and humans came from damn dirty apes fell from 16 percent to 15 percent.

I find this quite surprising, especially considering the amount of ridicule one typically receives for professing such belief. I mean, everyone knows it’s all been proven 100% to be false, right? Our entire educational system is predicated on the established Darwinian paradigm, that we evolved from one-celled organisms over billions of years and are the result of natural selection and random chance. All the truly credible experts of recognized science agree in their rejection of the Biblical account. So how can so many people be so willfully ignorant and stupid???

adam and evolutionMaybe it’s not so open and shut as it would seem. No one wants to be perceived as ignorant and be dismissed as a “flat-earth” type of idiotic moron, so very few are willing to reject the status quo publicly. So the prognosticators of the prevailing paradigm assume, from what little resistance they detect, that the overwhelming majority agree with them. This is why, for instance, everyone who professes a belief in the traditional historical order is pretty much dismissed as the only one left in the world who still believes that way — though in truth, in America at least, they’re in plenty of company.

I suppose we would rather trace our history from person to person, rather than bone to bone. From dates and times we can identify with, such as 10,000 years of traceable lineages and civilizations, rather than the incomprehensible eons of millions and billions of years and damn dirty ape ancestors. Who knows?

Thanks for reading.

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